There are lots of pretty thin lines you balance as a parent: being supportive without being stifling; providing structure and guidelines without being controlling; encouraging your kids to take risks while keeping them safe. Another of those lines we’ve been trying to find the balance on lately, especially with Keana (our oldest), is pushing them to do things for themselves without being unreasonable.

There are times when they’re excited and eager to do just about everything for themselves, and there are times when they feel like we’re slave drivers. They each have their least favorite tasks. Maia struggles with getting herself dressed on school days. Keana’s great about getting ready for school, but strongly dislikes cleaning up after herself. Aliya’s not so good about throwing away her trash. Just tonight, Sarah found 12 empty yogurt “bags” of hers stashed away in her bedroom. Yeah, pretty gross. Luckily, the “valve” on them kept things pretty contained.

As they get older, we’ve been expecting more from them and finding that balance of what’s reasonable and what’s not can be difficult. Also, how and when do you adjust those expectations based on what kind of day they’re having, what else is going on in their lives, or how tired or hungry they are? There’s part of me that says, “no matter what,” and there’s part of me that says, “they’re still young, do what you can now and build on that.”

There’s also the issue of Keana feeling like it’s unfair that she has to do more or different things than her younger sisters. Sometimes her attitude about fairness is pretty silly, but I get it. It’s hard growing up and taking on more responsibility. We try to balance that with pointing out the fun/extra things she gets to do because she’s older, but sure, learning that life isn’t fair just isn’t any fun. In the end, Sarah and I both believe that consistency (whatever the plan) is key, but it often feels like a full-time job enforcing it.

When all is said and done, I know it’s our job to teach them how to take care of themselves, handle their responsibilities, and experience the natural consequences of their choices. As we hit those pockets of turbulence along the way, I try to remind myself that we’re all learning alongside each other and we’re all going to make mistakes. The kids are also not always going to appreciate our efforts, but as long as they know we still love them, we’ll get through it.