Category Archives: Uncategorized

This is Life

My life is so full. That’s code for I’m blessed…and I’m tired. Yeah, I’m blessed and pretty tired and…of course there are times I’m overjoyed…and, honestly, overwhelmed. Actually, there are whole spans of time I’m just overwhelmed.

This is life.

It’s four blog posts in the last year and 3,000 photos to curate. It’s more adorable moments than I could reasonably hope for (or even imagine). It’s brilliant quotes, like Aliya saying, “I think I’ll just quit school.” and Mama asks, “What would you do instead?” to which she calmly replies, “I’ll sleep in and watch TV.”

Continue reading This is Life

The Moments In Between

Tonight I asked Keana what I should write about, and she replied (as if she was waiting for just that question), “Why don’t you just write about taking us to ballet and picking up dinner?” I thought for a moment and replied, “Huh. That’s a good idea. I think I will.” She was onto something.

Sarah was sick today so I did a little more with the kids than I usually do. I picked Maia up at 1 p.m. from school with Aliya in tow. Aliya was ready to get out, and as I got her dressed to go, I gave her the option of a purple dress with black pants, or a black t-shirt so she could be “all black.” She was pretty excited at the “all black” option and even sought out her black boots to complete the ensemble.

We arrived at school and parked down the street, and as we started down the sidewalk, she said in a tired tone, “I hate walking here.” “Really?” I said, “Why’s that?” “Ugh, I just hate walking this way.” My first reaction was to discount her seemingly strong feelings, but I just kept my mouth shut and said, “Huh.”

Continue reading The Moments In Between

Working for the Weekend

Aliya, Poodle, and Maia ready for the zoo.
Aliya, Poodle, and Maia ready for the zoo.
One thing we’ve struggled with on the weekends since having kids (especially multiple kids) is finding balance. The balance between resting, relaxing, doing fun stuff as a family, and getting stuff done around the house to keep this crazy ship afloat. Add anything else to the mix, like dance rehearsals or birthday parties, and it all becomes that much harder.

This past weekend was the first weekend without anything extra in a while and we were not prepared. (That’s another thing: after all these years I would think we would be better at this weekend thing.) Anyway, Saturday rolled along and Aliya’s crib had to be switched out for the mini bed we had in the garage, then the flower beds had to be watered since the heat is creeping up now, then the garage had to be reassembled because of course, that bed frame was at the bottom of a delicately layered mountain of camping gear, Christmas decorations, bikes, and old clothes. Then the kids were hungry for lunch (hadn’t we just had breakfast!) and on and on until it was time to make dinner and get them ready for bed. At the end of it I felt, I admit, pretty annoyed that it was Saturday and I was just as worn down as if it had been a Monday, and even questioned the quality of time we spent together as a family.

That night Sarah suggested we make a plan for Sunday so we didn’t have another day that just sailed by without doing what we really wanted. This was another conversation we were quite familiar with, and it was a good idea, but I was feeling a little hopeless. I get this way, especially when the temperature around here starts climbing up into the 90s. I feel like I’m racing nature to get everything done that I want to do outside before the blistering heat and shitty air closes in. That, coupled with an already intense competition for needs and time, is a recipe for an unproductive conversation. Here I was already tired from a “day off” and I couldn’t get past the existing list of house cleaning and grocery shopping that still needed to get done. Plan something fun? Forget about it.

Luckily we were able to persevere through the initial turbulence of this conversation and finish the talk, emerging with a decent plan for a trip to the zoo in the morning, followed by an afternoon (inside away from the heat) doing house cleaning.

And it worked! By God, we had fun and got a lot of shit done! It wasn’t easy of course, and the kids still had a little meltdown (literally) before lunch, but once we cooled off and ate something, the afternoon was fine. I even squeezed in a game of chess with Keana, Maia, and Aliya.

I’m a grown-ass man with three kids and yet I still just want to sleep in and play on the weekends. Maybe some day I’ll accept the fact that that life has packed and sailed (for now), but this one, now, can be navigated well if Sarah and I just chart a course together…before we embark on the journey.

Don’t Have Kids

Don’t have kids if you’re not ready to not be ready
or if you want to be in control or
if you don’t want to be completely swept off your feet.

Don’t have kids if you’re not ready to let go of your life
and create a new one, and
if you’re not ready to say I’ve been tired for 7 years
but I’m good.

Don’t have kids if you don’t think you can hold another person as long as it takes
period.
And don’t have kids if you’re not ready to clean vomit off a cat or
sleep on the floor or wonder when it is, exactly, that people learn to blow their own nose.

Don’t have kids if you’re not ready for more screaming and crying
than you’ve heard in your entire life, and
don’t have kids if you’re not ready for squeals of delight
when you walk through the door.

Don’t have kids if you’re not ready to do everything you know how
and still not have it be enough, but also, please,
don’t have kids if you’re not ready for a tiny face to be entranced
by everything you take for granted.

Don’t have kids if you’re not ready to carry someone until it hurts
or feel like the world’s strongest person for doing so.
And don’t have kids if you’re not ready to nurture the most fragile
and resilient thing you’ve ever known.

Don’t have kids if you think eating is easy, or
if you’re not ready to give up your cinnamon roll
because you can’t say no.

Don’t have kids if you like quiet car rides
or quick trips to anywhere.
And don’t have kids if you’re not ready
to lose track of time.

Don’t have kids if you don’t have room,
they don’t deserve that.
And don’t have kids if you don’t want another shadow
(or 40,000 pictures of that shadow)

And don’t have kids if you’re not ready to give
everything you’ve got, every single day, or
if you’re not ready to be annoyed at people saying
“it’s the toughest job you’ll ever love”
(because they’ll be right)

Don’t have kids if you think you’re ready for all this;
I can tell you, you aren’t.
And don’t have kids if you don’t want to end up writing something like this,
or sit here smiling, laughing, and crying at the end.

Today

I thought I’d try something a little different to paint a picture of the life and times of Team Hokama. I wrote this for National Poetry Month, but figured it was almost more at home here.

Woke up in the mornin’ not ready at all
Doesn’t really matter ’cause it’s not your call
Three little mouths to feed, ready to play
“Wake up Papa, what’re we doin’ today?”

Got 9 scoops in, brewin’ away
Got a million songs, but nothin’ to say
Even with the music on it’s all up hill
Just keep on cookin’, got those stomachs to fill

Papa’s in the yard blowin’, metal to mouth
Water’s drippin’ from a leaky spout
Kids are paintin’, baby’s in the pool
Papa’s wound tight on an empty spool

Breakfast’s done but now Mama’s gotta go
Baby’s cryin’ and tears start to flow
Papa says, “Baby she’ll be back”
Round and round, same old track

But the sun shines down it’s a beautiful day
Papa takes a breath and begins to play
Paint coats the paper, table, and skin
The water’s cool and clear, and baby jumps in

Papa’s in the yard blowin’, metal to mouth
Water’s drippin’ from a leaky spout
Kids are paintin’, baby’s in the pool
Papa’s wound tight on an empty spool

Time to lift that weight, gotta stay strong
Children are happy, gettin’ along
Sweat and struggle, muscle and steel
Laugh and cry, and shoulder that wheel

So that was today, tomorrow will follow
Wasn’t ready now it’s over, sometimes hard to swallow
Tryin’ to let go of mistakes and blame
Over and over, different and the same

Papa’s in the yard blowin’, metal to mouth
Water’s drippin’ from a leaky spout
Kids are paintin’, baby’s in the pool
Papa’s wound tight on an empty spool

Furry Baby

A few weeks back we went to a friend’s birthday and they were a foster family for a local cat rescue ranch. There were five kitties that had been abandoned in a dumpster and of course, they were adorable. And of course, Keana and Maia spent the day in the room in the back of the house, with the kitties, just in absolute tiny-furriness-heaven. And of course, they desperately wanted to take one home. What surprised me though, was how thoroughly Sarah had fallen in love with one of the little sruffers too. (Sarah was the one that was adamant that after our current cat, Miko, died, there would be no more animals with Team Hokama.)

We left the party with excited discussion about the possibility of actually getting a new kitty, one that was the girls’ very own. Once I saw the look in Sarah’s eyes when she said how much she liked one of them, I knew there was no debate. On Friday, July 22nd, after jumping through a few hoops, little tiny Kira (a.k.a. Fluffy) joined our team. She was sweet and cuddly and affectionate right off the bat, and we were all in love.

Over the next two weeks we slowly introduced her and Miko. Kira had her own room, with everything she needed, isolated from Miko. Then we introduced them just by scent at first for the first 5 or 6 days, then through a cracked door. Over the course of the next several days we allowed them to each explore each other’s spaces, but not together. Then, eventually, they met face-to-face. Kira hissed and growled and Miko looked at her cautiously but patiently. Only once have they had a little sparring match, but really only Kira got passionate about it. Miko has really been a kind big brother for the most part, which is good, because he could basically eat her. Now, Kira is mostly free to roam about the house.

Keana and Maia adore her, but Keana especially loves her. I think now she realizes though the work that goes into raising a cat, and has grown tired of Kira’s constant need to play. Keana and Maia have even become a little afraid of her tiny, but fierce play-attacks, and Maia often can be heard screaming for help when Kira stalks her. Aliya enjoys grabbing her tail and pulling on her skin, which we try to avoid of course, but that baby is quick and sneaky sometimes. Sarah’s basically been taking care of Kira’s food, litter box, and water, and I think she may be her “person” now. Kira loves to nap with Sarah and cuddle with her in the later evening hours. Of course during business hours, she loves to walk across my keyboard and sit on my shoulder, or steal my chair when I get up. And what is it with cats and power cords?

The last thing I’ll say is that choosing her name was a bit of a battle. The foster family had named her Fluffy, which Keana loved, but we just couldn’t bare to keep that name. So we talked and talked and talked about it, and tried letting the kitty choose her own name by putting 3×5 cards on the ground with possible options. But finally Sarah and I just had to choose the most popular “normal” name, explaining to Keana that she can still call her Fluffy. The ironic thing is that we called her Fluffy for so long, now we’re having a hard time calling Kira. So we’ll see. Maybe in a month or two we’ll revert. But for now, our newest, cutest, furriest member is Kira.

[pe2-gallery class=”alignleft” ]
IMG_4203.JPGIMG_4208.JPGIMG_4213.jpgIMG_4214.JPGIMG_4235.JPGIMG_4237.JPGIMG_4238.JPGIMG_4241.JPGIMG_4249.jpgIMG_4282.JPGIMG_4284.JPGIMG_4287.JPG[/pe2-gallery]

A slice of life

Last week we went back up to North Fork and had a great time at Willow Creek (which is just down the dirt road from Sarah’s dad’s house) and Bass Lake. Of course we met some more…how should I say…flavorful locals there; in fact we do every time. I mean, I’m open minded, but you really can’t make these people up. They belong in a Cohen brothers movie. But the day at Bass Lake was great and Keana and Maia had a blast playing in the lake and mud, building castles and pretending to claw their way back onto the beach, trying to escape a shark or monster. The motor boats made nice waves so we could almost imagine being at the beach. Almost.

And today was a powerhouse day for Team Hokama. I returned to work after six glorious (minus the whole hospital part) weeks off. The morning began at 5:45 a.m. when Maia decided it was time to wake up. She was hungry, so I got up and fed her toast and milk. I contemplated scheming a way to lay back down, but decided I needed to get used to getting up early now that I was back working and early school days were looming a mere two weeks away. Keana got up a little later at 6:30 a.m., and as they watched Diego on the Roku, I got ready. When I got out of the shower I was greeted by a talking Aliya, babbling away on the bed while Sarah tried to sleep a little longer. Her little coos and peeps are amazing and once again we get to witness the beginnings of speech and formal communication; a privilege indeed.

Throughout the day Maia and Keana really played well with each other. They played chasing games, dressed up dolls, staged various interactions with the dolls, had a stint outside with the kiddy pool, and even had some quiet time (where they basically tore their rooms apart in imaginary play before settling down). I was able to get quite a bit of work done and so was Sarah, amazingly enough. When Aliya would stand being set down or was asleep, Sarah would catch up on the laundry or some other organizing project. Working at home allowed me to make all the meals for the day and waking up so early also allowed me to go for a run and get a jump on the dishes too. The day-to-day stuff to keep the house even a bearable mess is unbelievable.

Tonight while I was barbecuing Keana kept me company outside telling me the story of how her child was born. She was pretending to be Lothina the hunchback, Lothar’s daughter. Lothar is a crazy hunchback character I play where I pull my shirt over my head and limp around like a hunchback chasing the kids with a crazy accent. The kids love Lothar so much that Keana decided to model a character herself after him. She doesn’t have a hunch, but she’s still a hunchback and her name is Lothina. Anyway, her daughter’s birth story was exactly like Aliya’s except when she got to the hospital, her baby flew out of the incision because she was so light and the people in the room had to catch her. Then she had to go to another hospital to be cared for, just like Aliya. It was really good to hear Keana processing everything and it was definitely one of the most enjoyable, but heavy, burger cookings I’ve had.

Of course bath/bedtime was shear mayhem. I wrangled Keana and Maia into the bath and as they played, hustled some garbage outing and backyard clean up. Then I held Aliya as she slept while Sarah got teeth brushed and started story time. As Aliya slept I explained that her sisters are Masters of Mayhem and I’m sure she’ll be a part of it soon enough. Then as Sarah put Maia to bed, I continued a story I’ve been making up for Keana. I started it up in North Fork when we forgot her book, and she’s been requesting it several times a day since. Basically I’ve been combining pieces of The Princess Bride and The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings. For shorter stories I just throw in “a day in the life of the princess” where she meets wild animals or learns how to make a chariot to be flown by giant eagles. You know, usual story stuff that papas come up with. It truly makes my day to see how into it she is and to look over and see her hanging on my every word during a tense part or to see her smile and laugh at some ridiculous part.

Anyway, now Aliya’s asleep on the couch as I type this and Sarah’s back in the bedroom doing stretches. What a day. I’ve been off so long that I had an “oh shit” moment earlier tonight when I realized that I still had to work tomorrow. Guess it all starts over in mere hours and though the general structure might be the same tomorrow, one can never guess the amazing things these crazy kids will come up with. Looking forward to it.

Hope instead of fear

Today our world changed. Today, with the election of America’s first black president, everyone’s future was made brighter, not just in the United States, but around the world. As I sat with Keana and Maia watching the inauguration this morning, I was in tears. Seeing Obama’s face on the TV, being sworn in, was one more reminder that there truly is possibility in this country. The gates haven’t been blown wide open, not by any means, but the hope that was made real today is immeasurable. And I think I was moved to tears not just because of what that might mean for those that have previously been marginalized in this country, or for what it might mean for me in this new America, but what it will mean for our daughters and their children.

I was joyful that Keana and Maia have a real, tangible example of freedom and opportunity in America. Their example will not only be some document you learn about in history books, or the ideals of America that people say are true, but an actual American president, elected in their lifetime, that represents these ideals. Their example is a man of mixed heritage, just like themselves. A man who doesn’t look like the status quo of power and wealth in America, and one whose background and upbringing are far different from most of those who came before him. Obama not only represents how far we’ve come towards equity in this country, but also represents what might be. If a black man can be elected as president, then why shouldn’t we also imagine that a woman, latino, arab, or asian American might also one day be elected? Why then shouldn’t those who are gay or those who practice another religion also be considered to represent their fellow Americans? We do not live in a world of all one type of person, so why should we be ruled by one type of person? We’re raised to believe that all are equal in America, but it became very clear to me at a very early age that this was not the case. I was constantly reminded that many did not consider me equal because of how I looked and where I came from. And I was afraid, but that was no way to come up in a so-called “land of opportunity and equality”. I feel like today, finally, we can honestly say to our children that what they look like and where they come from does not determine how far they can go in America. Of course there will still be moments when they are affected by racism or some other ill judgement, but at least now, because a black man rose through all the ranks to the White House, they have a very important, real example of what it means to choose hope instead of fear and what that means for their possibilities.

To the zoo Super Keana!

Today, Keana and I went to the zoo. Sarah and Maia were in Santa Cruz for Iana’s bachelorette party, so we took advantage of our small-number-mobility. I had been talking to Keana about this for a week, so when I saw it was raining this morning, I was a little worried the zoo would be closed and there would be some sadness. But we headed out anyway and found Oakland cloudy, but dry. As we pulled into the parking lot, both Keana and I were super-excited.

Once we paid and entered, I could tell Keana was so excited that she didn’t know where to begin. “I want to ride the tiger [merry-go-round]!” and “I want to see the elephants!” then “Where are the alligators?!” So we got out the map and set off. First we visited the elephants who where enjoying their mid-morning snack. I guess this made Keana hungry too, so busted out our crackers, string cheese, and water and sat on the benches enjoying the company of the elephants.

Then we headed down to the “African Village” where we saw meerkats, green monkeys, lizards, and snakes. On the way we also saw the lions- which were really loud actually- tigers, and giraffes. I must say, she was more interested in sitting under the awning of the picnic area having more snacks and watching the people, rather than animals. But I convinced her to trudge on, and she was pretty excited to see the other monkeys swinging around and screaming.

It wasn’t long before the rides came up again. The Oakland Zoo has a modest ride section, perfect for little kids, and Keana had ridden on the merry-go-round on a previous visit, and wanted to go back. So on the way to the ride area we did drive-by-viewings some bird exhibits and other animals, much too fast to really appreciate, but I reminded myself, “Hey, she’s only three. Let’s go ride the train!”

On the merry-go-round Keana rode the tiger. I think it was a little scary but she held on and eventually got into it. She didn’t even need me holding on to her, but her hand must have been numb from holding on so tight. I must admit, that ride ended just in time for me. I guess I still don’t like rides that go around in circles.

Then we rode the race cars and Keana chose the gold, sparkly sports car. She was the only one on the ride- luckily I was too big to go- and she had a blast. The first couple times around she smiled at the ride attendant and me, then proceeded to sing songs and narrate her little adventure to herself. She even steered in the right direction! After race cars we went on the train that takes you around a small part of the park and around this little hill with a great view. After the train ride Keana just had to ride the race cars again, so I indulged. We had been at the zoo for a couple hours so it was time to pack it up and head out to lunch. One last stop at the gift shop yielded “sister lizards”, one for Keana and one for Maia.

The trip to the zoo was a blast. It’s so fun reliving childhood and experiencing these things with your own kids for their first time. Fun fun.

Going on an adventure

Keana wore her pajamas, her favorite Velcro shoes, and a rainbow fleece from her one-year-old days (so yeah, way too small, but she’s big enough to dress herself, right?). I wore my shorts and t-shirt from yesterday, grabbed her Hello Kitty backpack and stuffed it with a little bear, a bunny, and a water bottle (so yeah, the backpack was a little small for me, but Keana’s going to carry it, right?). She screams out, “We’re going on an adventure!” as we exit the house for a Sunday morning hike.

After a quick stop for some coffee we headed for Tilden Regional Park in the Berkeley hills. I opened the sunroof, baby held her backpack and looked out the window while the local alternative rock station played hits from all the way back in the ’90s. Soundgarden, New Order, and Social D provided our cruising soundtrack while I sipped my coffee and Keana ate her mini-stone wheat thin crackers.

We pulled off the road by the trail and, Hello Kitty backpack in tow, I carried her to the trailhead. She refused to get down. We’ve hiked on paved paths at Tilden before, and I’ve carried her in a backpack on dirt trails, but this was the first time I was trying to get her to hike on her own on a “real” trail. I tried to explain to her that’s why we wear shoes, to keep our actual feet from getting dirty, but Keana wasn’t buying it. So I carried her up the trail all the while trying different angles to get her to hike on her own. At various moments in our conversation I would ask, “So do you want to try it now?” and Keana would reply, “No. Papa carry me. I don’t want to walk.” After a couple hundred yards of hiking uphill carrying Keana, I was wishing that damn Hello Kitty backpack wasn’t too small for me to wear.

We reached the top of the hill and I had to set her down. At first she threatened to unleash a little two-year-old storm, but I quickly jumped in with a barrage of nature observations to distract her.

“Look baby, a rolly-polly!” I exclaimed as I pointed to the tiny bug moving across our path. It became aware of our focus and it curled up into its little ball.

“And listen! Do you hear the birdies? Where are they?” I asked. That was a good one because it was impossible to see any birds in the foliage so we looked for a long time.

And just like that, Keana had forgotten all about the dirty dirt she was standing on. I proposed we move forward and she said, “I wanna go home and see Mama!”

“But we just got here Baby. How about we go a little further?”

“No! I want to see Mama!” she yelled back.

“Okay, no problem, let’s head back,” I said secretly pleased we had even made it this far.

So we continued back down the hill I had carried her up, all the while singing, “We’re walking on dirt! We’re walking on dirt!” and carefully avoiding all the big rocks on the trail. Before we knew it, we were back at the car.

“I don’t want to get in the car!” She yells.

“But you said you wanted to go home, right?” I try to confirm.

“Yeah! I wanna see Mama!”

“Well, in order to see Mama, we have to get back in the car,” I try to reason.

“No! I want to hike home!” She yells back.

“Oh Baby, it’s way too far to hike. But if you want to hike more, we can head back up the trail.”

At this she’s satisfied and heads back up the hill, watching out for bugs and rocks. After a few moments she starts to say, “We’re going home to see Mama!” Hmmmmmm. Where did I go wrong in the little talk at the car? I had to let her in on what was really going on.

“Well Baby, we’re actually not headed towards home,” I say, “remember we headed back up the trail away from the car and away from home.”

“Well, which way is it?” she says. Pointing up the trail she asks, “Is it this way?” then pointing the opposite direction, “Or is it this way Papa?”

I had to laugh.

“It’s that way,” I say pointing back to the car.

“Okay, this way then,” and she heads back down the trail towards the car.

When we arrive back at the car she happily gets in her car seat with her bag of crackers and a book. I turn the radio back on, take a sip of my coffee, and point the car in the right direction, the direction of home.