Note: This is a little bit of a rant, so for those of you who just want the feel-good stuff about parenting, skip to the last paragraph.

I feel like we go on a roller coaster of frustrations. The majority of these moments of frustration don’t stem from new issues, but issues we deal with day in and day out. That makes sense of course, because most of us learn through repetition, so when one of our darling children is working something out, we experience it over and over again. One of the most difficult things we’ve been dealing with Keana on is possession. Since she’s been on the planet longer, she has more toys than Maia. To be fair, I think if we added up all instances of “toy interaction” with Keana and Maia, on the whole, Keana would be considered a phenomenal sharer. However, it seems like every day, there’s some sort of altercation—or on the worst days, many—where Keana rips a toy out of Maia’s hand because she wants it. Or she performs what I call “mental warfare” on Maia, where she doesn’t necessarily take something outright from Maia, but she constantly pesters Maia to trade or share with her, asking her over and over if she can have it. Eventually Maia is worn down or confused by the verbal assault and ends up forfeiting her possession. This issue is especially hard for me because when I was growing up I didn’t have a lot of toys and I feel like my brother and I shared really well. Of course we were closer in age, so maybe that makes a difference? Boys vs. girls? General temperament and personality? I see so clearly how much Keana has, but it never seems to be enough and at times there is no reasoning with her. She could have every toy but one in the sandbox, and she’d want that last toy too. We definitely need to do some research on this one.

As I mentioned in my last post, there’s the sleeping issues. This last week Keana was sick and waking up more in the middle of the night with a runny nose and cough. So we put her to sleep in her room initially and let her switch to our room when we went to bed—moving her to her little mattress on the floor—as a way to provide some comfort for her while she’s sick, and therefore more sleep. Which was great, but that little change somehow triggered something that made it more difficult for her to fall asleep. She would call out and use every excuse known to four-year-old as to why she couldn’t fall asleep: “Um, I need another stuffed animal.” (when she already had about 20 on her bed), “The closet door isn’t open enough.” (we leave the light in the closet on and the door open so it’s less scary), “I need another hug and kiss.” We played sweet at first and accommodated her silly requests, chalking it up to not feeling well, but eventually had to take a stricter approach. I’ve said this before, and to new or non-parents it often seems like we’re being “mean”, but you give them an inch and they will go a mile (and then some).

Another good example of frustrating moments is bath time. First Keana doesn’t want to get in the bath, which we know is her just being “four”. Once she’s in, she and Maia often play well together. However, the time comes when things get too rough or she takes Maia’s toy or whatever, and we have to intervene. While we do our best to ask her to stop or explain why what she’s doing is a problem, she’ll make a face at us or stick her tongue out, which honestly really gets to me. We explain she has a choice to either stop the negative behavior or end bath time. She pushes and pushes and again, we try to “play nice” but the time comes when we have to be the parent and back up what we say by ending bath time for her prematurely (as we said we would if she didn’t stop). At this point we know full well there will be a tragic meltdown, but those moments seem to be really necessary lessons for her so she knows what the boundary is.

All of these things are related and like I said, I think some research might help us at least understand things better. But the bottom line is you have to be the parent and “lay down the law” which won’t always—if ever—go over well. It’s a really, really hard thing to do and it can keep you up at night wondering if you’re a saint for teaching your kids a valuable life lesson, or if you’re just a big, bad, mean old person.

You may have noticed that all these frustrations I’ve mentioned involve Keana. Maia has her moments- like when she hits or pinches you because she’s frustrated- but she’s not even two yet so she’s coasting on her cuteness for now, and hasn’t developed all the emotional complexities that Keana has.

The really interesting part of all of this—and really critical part—is that it doesn’t last. At the end of the day, usually starting with story time right before bed, the negative stuff just melts away. We have a chance to sit down with each other and just enjoy a fictional adventure accompanied by great artwork. Maia goes off with Sarah to nurse and have her bed time, and Keana snuggles into my armpit, leans against my chest, and is at complete peace with the day, me, and the story. We tuck her in, say good night, and embark on some time with each other. Mama and Papa. Sarah and Luke. Big, bad, mean old person to big, bad, mean old person. Sure the hard times and mistakes of the day still echo in our heads, but when our bed time comes, I replay all the cute, amazing things I experienced with Keana and Maia throughout the day and feel almost refreshed.